not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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