I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
