so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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