your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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