I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
