Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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