When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
we should paint friendship bongs
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