Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
