Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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