the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
