All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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