Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
you made out with another girl for some wings
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
