I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
