If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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