I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize