just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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