you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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