I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
