you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize