Where did you get a picture of my penis
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
