the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
