worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize