dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
