the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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