Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
