Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
