if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
