The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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