Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
