I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
