The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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