even my farts smell like vagina
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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