Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
