I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
