I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
