I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
