Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize