Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
