Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
