Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
