just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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