If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
