You can't motorboat a personality
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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