I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
