if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
