for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
