just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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