no one should ever give us hovercrafts
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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