im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize