I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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