well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize