Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
