those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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