I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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