hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I FOUND THE LEGS
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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