I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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