You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think a kid would responsible me up
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
