My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
